What led to my Awakening.....

As I began to accept the changes I was experiencing, It was like a flood gate of information... Consistent information flowing into my mind... some good, some weird, some scary... Just soooo much information and I couldn't tell where it went, who it was for, was it real or was it time to send me off to the crazy house, honestly I still believed the crazy house was drawing near...

I began research what is an awakening.... I started to see that my awakening had started before I met my twin .... For me to understand my awakening, give me an opportunity to explain what had been happening up until the point I met my twin...

In fact it had started the November prior.... I guess I should start with saying everyone that has gone through an awakening and experienced something that triggered something they already have inside of them... I am a firm believer that everyone is capable of going through this process but it's the most pleasant experience... at least it wasn't for me.. What I am about to share with you was the lowest points of my life...

The November prior to my awakening, I was a shell of a person... I was someone that felt unloved, alone in a marriage that I once had so much love, I had over spent almost all our money, all I ever did was give to everyone and nothing for myself.... I never left the house unless it was something for my kids or to give to someone else... I got to a point, where I had nothing left to give... Nothing at all... Even though, I had struggled with mental health my entire life, I didn't even realize I was suicidal... But in fact, I just wanted to died and let it all end... I just wanted to walk into traffic make it look like an accident and then just disappear into the nothingness... The day came when I had decided this was my final decision, the thoughts, I had were around how everyone would be so much better if I weren't here... I couldn't see past my emptiness the way I can see today... As the act was about to happen, something happened to me.... It was like I experienced a warm hug that gave me goosebumps all over my body... I had never felt peace like that... It was almost like a promise for happiness... I don't know how else to explain it... I stopped doing what I was and in that moment, I choose myself...

I needed to be healthier to be able to have the conversation with my husband about how his anger and pushing me away made me feel.... So I began taking care of my basic needs... I started walking every day, one mile turned into two miles, two miles turned in 5 miles and 5 miles quickly turned into 10 miles... I was roughly 240 pounds and by April I was down to 180... This weight just was falling off... I also began pulling away from everyone and found a hobby... I didn't of course understand what was happening, all I knew was everything that made me, well me.... seemed to be dying... This became a very difficult time for me but more than that my family.... My children went from having a mother that, honestly didn't do anything but things for them, to a mother that was hiding from the world in her own mind... I felt depressed still but felt healthier too in a sense.. I would fansty about a world I never dreamt of having before like being the best at my hobby, like being really healthily, like hiking mountains and so much more... At this time, everything centered around me... like my whole world became about me... and I left my family in the cold.... Please understand at the time, I didn't see or understand how they felt... I had not started taking any medications yet for my mental illnesses which I clearly needed, nor could I see anything else but my new imaginary life that I was creating...

I actually met my twin, in February, but again, I didn't understand our connection at the time nor did I care I was married and would never have thought of another man in that way.... He was just another man I had met in my life and besides running into him everywhere and the fact that he would pop into my head every now and then I didn't give him much thought at all... I was not a cheater and honestly I just didn't think of him in any type of romantic way...

In April, I felt strong enough to talk to my husband about some of the concerns I was having and that I had begun to see that I had been pulling away... I tried to talk to him in the most compasanion way possible however that it's how he saw the conversation... In fact, he tells me he felt attacked by me... Then he did what I thought, he would, and the reason it took me so long to discuss with him my concerns... He accused me of cheating on him... I hated when he did this because I was a people pleaser and pleasing my husband was at the very top of my list of people to please... I kind of shut down as he began to yell at me for cheating and telling all types of wonderful things about myself (not actually so wonderful) .... During my mental shut down, I just heard me say out loud without even thinking about it... "I want a divorce" I had never said these words, and up until this point I didn't feel like I wanted a divorce... I was supposed to die with this man.... I had been love with my husband since I was 16 years old... like how did those words just fall out of mouth... but as soon as I said them, I realized that I did in fact want a divorce.... When I say everything was changing about me I mean it... EVERYTHING about me had begun changing...... Even the color of my eyes had changed from BLUE to GREEN... (but I didn't notice this until much later)

After all this had begun, after my husband made me feel so terrible, after a good friend of mine passed away in May, I began to seek professional help and I started therapy twice a week and started seeing a psychiatrist once a week which at the time I am writing this, I still do (Dec 2024) ... During this time I was diagnosis with ADHD and HOLY MOLY was that eye opening.... I started to be treated for the different conditions, I knew I had bipolar from a previous diagnosis but I stopped taking my medication when I was pregnant with my last child for two reasons, the main reason at the time was because I didn't want the medication to impact my son and then once he was born, my ex would call my medication my happy pills and I wanted to please him by not taking medication... I would like to note, now after having conversations with my ex-husband he has informed me he wouldn't have cared if I took medication, this was in my head as a people pleaser a pretty common side of of ADHD in women, but of course I didn't know this...

The first part of June is when things with my Twin began to change as well...

My realization of what was happening, my awakening came later after the separation with my twin... let's continue....